Saturday, October 22, 2011

What flags am I supposed to be looking for again?

Well, I edited my last post after finding out that I give people too much benefit of doubt.  My brother called the other day to find out what happened and I was explaining how I didn't see any red flags this time, so that's why the whole thing scares me.  Then, I started to tell him about a few little things that made me uneasy, but I didn't really see them as flags.  I'm starting to realize, though, maybe that feeling in my gut is the red flag.  The moment I start to feel insecure - is that the point I need to say I'm done?

About a month into dating this guy, someone used the word "boyfriend/girlfriend" about us and we hadn't used those terms  yet.  I kind of laughed and said, "So... are you my boyfriend now?"  What I envisioned to be a cutesy moment where we start using the title turned into a conversation that left me feeling uneasy about our relationship.  He spouted off things about how we needed to take it slow and I was so determined to not make the same mistakes of my past relationships that I confused that for wisdom.  He assured me that he really liked me and that I was the only girl he was dating and the only girl he wanted to date right now.  (Yes, he used "right now," why did  I not run away then?) After that night, I thought about it a lot and decided that he was really being a grown-up about this because I really didn't know him well enough to be his girlfriend, after all.

The whole "taking it slow" thing came up when I wanted him to meet my friends and family, as well.  Man, I should have seen that as a red flag, right?  Is it ever really too early to meet friends and family?  When you're younger, you meet the parents on the first date, right?  So why should that be different when you're older, unless you have to take a trip to meet them or something like that. Right?  Right??  I should have seen it.  It scares me to death that I didn't see it for what it was.

My schedule was crazy busy because of the play I am in, so I didn't have many weeknights available.  He went home to see his family almost every weekend that we dated.  I thought it was sweet that he is so close to his family (of course now, I'm thinking not all of those weekends were filled with family time) but in the back of my mind, I wished he would block out some time just for me.  Early on, he mentioned that I would meet them all, but he never asked me to go with home with him.  That should have been a red flag, too... yes?

I tried so hard to go into this with my eyes wide open.  Maybe that's why I am still single... maybe I still haven't learned how to tell the jerks from the good guys and God is just waiting on me to learn that lesson.  But it's scary because even when I'm actively trying to be aware, I overlook the "little things" that really should be HUGE FLASHING RED FLAGS.

Whoever reads this - thanks for listening.  I just had to get my thoughts out there, it's that whole "open book" thing.  Please say a prayer for me - that God send someone to me and/or that I have the ability to open my eyes and trust my gut.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

A little update... a little ramble... a little about me.

So, in my previous post I talked about the guy who made my heart flutter.  Oh yes, he made it flutter an awful lot!!  And then... all of the sudden... he just wasn't into me.  It's interesting, I have the book "He's Just Not That Into You" as I am sure I have mentioned here before, and it really should be required reading material for girls who are dating.  Not everything in the book will line up with people's values, but the general concepts in the book are spot-on.  I pulled out that book about three weeks ago because I was having a weird gut feeling about the boy and wanted to see what the wise book said about my situation.  Seriously, that should be my first clue.  If I have to consult a book "He's Just Not That Into You" to determine what the guy is thinking, I should count that as good intuition and just start the healing process, right?  Well, the book was inconclusive - kind of - it was too early in my relationship to really tell if I should worry yet or not, so I went with the whole not-worrying thing.

Apparently, I should have worried.  What I wish I could figure out, though, is... WHAT IS THE DEAL?  I guess guys are born with a different switch in their brain that can be REALLY into someone and then all of the sudden not.  Maybe it's not a gender thing, but I was just not born with that.  I was so happy with this guy... as I said in my previous post, he made me feel beautiful - something I haven't felt in many years.  Everything just seemed to be... well, perfect.  I guess I was the only one who felt that way, though... and that's okay.  He wasn't a jerk, so I am not mad at him.  He just wasn't into me and you can't fault a guy for that, right?

People tell me I need to be more careful about guarding my heart and waiting to trust.  I can't believe I am going to say this, but I think they're wrong.  Yes, that means I get hurt more than my fair share, but after all I have been through, I think it is a testament to God that I have the ability to trust like I've never been on the receiving end of unfaithfulness and the ability to love as if I've never been hurt.  I'd really rather go into new relationships all in, than to try to be someone I'm not - guarded and emotionally closed.  That's just not me.  I am an open book.  An open, trusting, loving, optimistic book.  I just pray that God send someone my way that can appreciate that and treat it carefully.  And man, I wish He would hurry.

****EDIT 10/22/2011 - Yes, I will keep on trusting and loving... but thanks to speaking to him again one more time and the wonders of the internet, I found out that yes, he was actually a jerk and yes, I was getting played for who knows how long.  He has a girlfriend now and I can't believe I fell for the nice guy thing... AGAIN.  Lame.